


Reflections and Entanglements

by LittleWatty



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-05
Updated: 2017-06-12
Packaged: 2018-11-09 13:07:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11105184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleWatty/pseuds/LittleWatty
Summary: Collection of pieces for Rita Shepard, prompted by MERweek 2017 and @VorchaGirl's writing prompts.





	1. The Day We Met

**Author's Note:**

> Things kind of get complicated for my Shep. She sort of romanced Kaidan, but he got left behind on Virmire. After that, she romanced Garrus. With MERweek, I’m mixing the focus of what used to be there, and what they have now.
> 
> I’m going to try and write the prompts as chronological events, but since I haven’t played ME2 in forever, there may be errors or changes to canon. Apologies for that.

When it came down to the nitty gritty, there was only one perk to having been reconstructed and given life by Cerberus - and that was just having a life in the first place. When the Normandy had been destroyed, Shepard gladly gave her life to ensure her crew made it.

When push came to shove, she was always the first one to stand her ground, and always pushed back. But this past months with Cerberus, essentially serving as their guard dog and lackey, it was grinding down everything she had ever stood for. If anyone she used to know in the Alliance could see her now… if Kaidan could see her now. God, the more she thought about it, the more it made her stomach turn. Kaidan would have been so disappointed if he’d–

“You know, Shepard, if this is a bad time I can go.”

At least there were some distractions from the inevitable doom of the galaxy. “Just shut up and pour me some more of that terrible wine, Garrus.”

“Ouch.” The turian laughed and refilled the glass for her. “I did say this was the best wine I could afford.”

“Then you’re going to need a pay raise.”

“Wait, I get paid?”

Shepard shoved him aside. It nearly sent his own dextro-based drink flying. “Don’t make me hit you, Vakarian!”

“Okay, okay!” He laughed, righting himself and crossing his legs, munching on some of their snacks.

Things were quiet between them for a long time, just sitting together, leaning against the other’s side, enjoying the calm before the storm would come. There was nothing either of them could do to avoid it, not that either of them even would - someone had to stop the Collectors and the Reapers, and they weren’t about to trust anyone else to see the job to completion.

“Was it like this before?” Garrus interrupted with a silent swirling of his glass.

“When?”

“Before Virmire.”

Rita went quiet again, staring down into the blood red wine in hand. Virmire. The events of which she never wanted to think about again, but they were never far from her thoughts. Even two years, and one death, later. “Sort of…”

“Sorry if I killed the mood. Should I compliment your hair again?”

She managed a laugh and bumped her shoulder into his. “It’s alright. Just… haven’t really thought about old times in a while.”

“The old mission reports say how you and Ash met - the heroic rescue on Eden Prime, guns blazing, Commander Shepard killing hundreds of geth.” Garrus’ hands went up in the air, fingers waving as if to simulate explosions right before their eyes. It just made her shake her head at him.

“You flatter me.” Despite the comments, her mood didn’t really improve. She still hadn’t seen Ashley. They’d been so close before, and now, with Cerberus monitoring communications and tracking her like a wild dog, Rita didn’t know if there was any way to contact her and ask for help.

Garrus seemed to realize her struggle, setting down his drink in favor of taking her hand, running one of his claws over the back in an attempt to soothe her. “The records don’t say anything about how you and Kaidan met. Any fun stories there?”

The laugh that came sounded more like a choke. “Hardly. Just business like usual.” Kaidan was still such a touchy subject. The failure that marred her record as badly as Torfan. There was the blood of too many on her hands. But… she supposed that it would be better to talk about it, let her emotions be bared raw, so they could finally heal.

* * *

“Form up!”

Commander Shepard. Hero of Torfan. N7 graduate. Tough bitch and all around badass. Her eyes scanned the crew that lined up outside the brand new Turan-Human project named the _Normandy SR-1_. Green. All of them. All flight jockeys looked green to her. So few of them actually ever put their boots on the ground.

Captain Anderson had taken charge of this mission, whatever it was, and hand picked the crew himself. There would have to be words with him later if this is what he thought would be an acceptable crew. He was putting too much faith into the Turian Spectre, if things were to go south.

Hands behind her back, blue eyes colder than ice, she marched up and down the line. Engineers. Comm specialists. No one she’d actually want at her back in a firefight. Most of them even struggled to maintain eye contact when she stopped in front of them. Except one. “You, Soldier. What’s your name?”

“C-Corporal Richard Jenkins, ma’am.”

The man was practically shaking in his boots. “Hesitate like that in a fight, and you’re going to get yourself killed, Corporal. Or worse, your team. I can’t have that kind of second guessing on my crew.”

“No, ma’am! Of course not, ma’am!”

“Perhaps I should request the Captain reassign you to something more appropriate.” Poor kid started sweating. “Hold yourself together, Corporal. You’ll just embarrass yourself. Maybe it is better you stay groundside.”

“With all due respect, Commander, that isn’t your decision to make.” Another crew member in line spoke up, only a few steps up. He remained in perfect ready, staring straight ahead, his form giving no indication he’d spoken up. Rita moved away from Jenkins and stood in front of him.

“Does the loud mouth have a name?”

“Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko, ma’am.” A biotic. She could see it in his eyes, even as he stubbornly stared ahead.

“It’s pretty ballsy to speak out against a commanding officer like that, LT.”

“As I said, ma’am, removing Jenkins from this crew is not your decision.”

Ballsy, as to be expected from a marine. This one might yet be worth the effort. She couldn’t quite say the same for the others, but regardless, this was supposed to be a simple mission. No expected combat. Just a simple test run for the new newest ship in the Alliance. “You’re right, I don’t. Lucky for you, Corporal, the Lieutenant here has a point. You could learn a few things about confidence from him. You’ll need it.”

“That’s enough, Commander.” Rita snapped to attention beside the men as Captain Anderson and their Spectre guest approached. “This crew has already been vetted. They’ll all do, even if they won’t pass your test.”

“Yes, sir.”

As the Captain passed and briefed everyone on what they needed to know, Shepard couldn’t help but glance out the corner of her eye to watch the others. She could have sworn she saw the Lieutenant smiling.


	2. Pictures of You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some more fluff. Plenty of promise for angst later. Again, Shep and Garrus are together in ME2, but Shep and Kaidan had the inkling of a relationship in ME1 before Virmire.

Rumbling laughter filled the void of space, the cold metal not unlike a death cage suddenly warmed by voices and memories, offering something kinder than the vast expanse of nothingness beyond the walls. It was not the same as it once was. It could never be the same. So many breaths stolen away, blood bubbling and boiling within their veins, limbs sheared from bodies, screams silenced to the vacuum.

 _It was not the same as it once was._ Those days, those memories, were past. A lifetime ago it seemed. In reality, maybe it was. There was laughter again. Joy. Smiles. Warmth. Friends. Things that Shepard didn’t think she’d ever have again.

“No, no! Show me how it went again! Show me how it went!”

“Shut your mouth, Vakarian! I’m _not_ reliving that again!”

“What, not even for old time’s sake? I’m sure I’ve got some spare credits to tip you with!”

Rita scoffed at him, jaw dropping at his suggestion. “I am _not_ going to give you a lap dance either! You are insufferable, Vakarian. Even worse, drunk!”

There was nothing that existed at all except the two of them when his laughter bounced off the hull again. Old friends, new lives, and fond memories. “Oh, I know!” Maybe not so fond memories, as her heart dropped when the turian stood from the couch and went rummaging through her personal desk.

“Vakarian…?! What– no, no! You are not! You’re so fired for this!”

“You don’t pay me, Shepard. And because I’m a volunteer, I can dig up hilarious mementos like this!” Before she could snatch it away, he had pulled out an old photo of their team, all dancing in the Flux on the Citadel. It was shore leave; there were drinks, and fun, and dancing. An unfortunate amount of dancing. Everyone had learned that night, much to her chagrin, that Shepard could not dance to save her life. 

“You are so dead!”

* * *

 

_“You are so dead!”_

Ash, Tali, and Liara held their guts from laughing until it hurt, leaning on each other as they struggled to find their seats, while Garrus and Kaidan dragged Shepard to the dance floor.

“I’m going to kill both of you!”

“Relax, Shepard!” Garrus’ voice was mostly drowned out by the pounding of the music, but the glint in his bird-like eye was telling enough.

Her Staff Lieutenant wasn’t any better at this point. There were enough beers on their table that all of them were turning pink from the buzz. “He’s right, Rita. Why not take a load off. We’re on shore leave, so act like it.” Just egging her on he strut backwards, dipping his shoulders, pointing towards her just for the purpose of beckoning her to follow.

A nudge from Garrus and the combination of drinks was enough for her to throw reason out the window.

That was the last time she would ever make that mistake.

The guys at least tried to pretend like she wasn’t that bad, but Garrus broke first. The girls never stopped laughing in the first place, having seen the way she danced before. It was Wrex’s thundering laughter echoing loud enough that someone else from the Normandy managed to snap a photo with their omnitool before Rita even realized what was happening. She tried to run down after him and order the photo be deleted, but Kaidan caught her hand and tugged her back.

“Where do you think you’re going?” he teased with a smirk.

“No-no. You’re not letting him get away with that!” A single clap of hands stopped her before she could go running off. Kaidan was leaning towards her, almost so innocent in this whole charade, holding a hand out in a silent request for her to stay. She was stiff, unrelenting; this whole damn thing almost felt like a battle in itself.

No one else was watching them anymore. Garrus had managed to drag all the girls up to the floor, Wrex was still laughing from his seat, making small talk with Joker - the irony in that would hit her later. Right now, the only set of eyes watching were his, and that was okay. Even if she was a terrible dancer, Kaidan didn’t seem to mind.

“Please?”

Maybe she’d live to regret it one day, but she stayed out there with them all, dancing like no one was watching. For him and his puppy dog eyes.


	3. Late Night Confessions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluff alert. No Shenko in this one, wrapping up the drunken night with words and cuddles.

There wasn’t really such a thing as night when you spend most of your time in the empty vastness of space. The sun rose and set at different times on each planet, the Citadel had its own day and night cycle, even the Normandy had simulated daylight hours for the sake of its crew. Long into the ‘night’ on the Normandy, long after the wine ran out, even longer after their snacks ran out, Garrus and Shepard were still laughing and reminiscing, the buzz of their drinks keeping them awake.

“No, listen! Listen!” Garrus laughed, waving his hands so she would pay attention. “I honestly thought you _might_ shoot me when I saw you on Omega!”

Rita was red in the face from their laughter, and in no small part from the entire bottle of wine she drank herself. “You’re an idiot then!”

“Honest! It’s a good thing you like me more than credits!” A bout of giggles and a pillow met his face.

“I can’t believe you thought I would shoot you!”

“To be fair, part of me still thinks you might!” Rita started to yawn between her laughs, putting a hand on the turian’s chest to shove him back before he could smother her in an embrace. “Aww, you’re not that hurt, are you Shepard?”

She waved a hand at her face, trying to force the yawn to pass faster. Everything hurt from hours of teasing and joking, most especially the muscles in her face, but the yawn helped stretch and relax it. An involuntary groan followed as she tried to rub the sleep out of her eyes. “I think it’s time for this party to wrap up,” she mumbled.

“I’ll leave you to it, then.” Garrus stood, awkwardly standing between knowing if he should move in for a hug, a kiss, or if he should leave without either.

Rubbing her forehead, Rita pointed at the bed. “You will be shot if you don’t stay. I’m not about to let that fine piece of turian ass walk away when I’m this drunk.”

“Well, well, Shepard!” he gave a toothy grin. “I _do_ like to keep my waist trim. Scars and a nice ass, two things the ladies can never resist.”

“Ooh, shut up, Vakarian.” Trying to stifle further yawning, she stripped down to her more useful than flattering undergarments, but it didn’t keep them off for long. Her spider webbing scars from the reconstruction process rippled across her skin as she stretched, wavering between red and orange in the artificial light. They drew Garrus’ attention while he removed his suit, making him pause as he stood there with a bundle of cloth in hand, unable to tear his eyes away.

Everything about her was there - the drive, the blue in her eyes, the take-no-shit attitude - but the scars were ever a reminder of what lost. She had died. She shouldn’t be here. But she was, and he would be forever grateful of that fact. Garrus dropped his fine suit in a heap, crossing the room in quick strides to pull her back against him.

“... Garrus…?” her voice was quiet, a trickle of hesitation lacing her voice, unconsciously holding her body away from his for a brief moment, but settling back in against him when his arms reassured her.

They’d never shared the same bed, for sleep or otherwise, making this entirely new territory for them both. “I’m drunk, Shepard, but thank you for letting me stay.”

“Then you better hurry up and lie down before I change my mind.” The playful drunken banter returned with a quick elbow to the carapace. He grunted, flopping backwards away from her, landing spread eagle on the bed with a laugh.

Their eyes never left each other’s as she walked around the bed, while he simply propped himself up on an elbow in a seductive manner, trying to copy the way he’d seen it done in human vids. “I think you owe me a deep dark secret, Shepard. I’ve told you mine.”

“Oh?” she laughed, flipping the blankets up and over his fringe. “I can’t play poker.”

“You…? You can’t… play… poker?” he barely held back his laughter, earning another jab from Rita, as they both settled down onto the pillows.

“More appropriately, I can’t bluff in poker.”

The amendment only seemed to make his laughs louder. “You, resting-bitch-face Shepard, can’t bluff in poker?”

“Shut up!” She could barely keep the smile from her lips as she grabbed a pillow and flattened it over his face. Giggles bubbled out, even as she tried her hardest to stay tight lipped about it. “Your turn again!”

“I have a bad habit of cleaning my rifle when I’m stressed.”

“That’s not a secret, Vakarian. Everyone knows that.” Rita let him pull her back against his chest, not minding the hard and rough edges of his carapace. It was easy to fit snug against him so they didn’t bother her at all.

“Buuuut, I traded the oils from Palaven to some human brand - it smells better. Your turn.”

“I’m the one that stole Ashley’s cookies…”

Garrus was dead silent for several moments. It was only after she turned her head to try and look at him that he burst out in heavy laughter. “That was you?! She blamed Pressly!”

It was contagious, and before she knew it, she was chuckling along with him. The secret was ancient, but a secret nonetheless. “I know. Beat that.”

“You play a hard game, Shepard. Tali has a really nice ass. Might even be better than yours, Shepard.”

“Lame. Thane does have a better ass than you.”

“Hmph. You didn’t have to be so honest about it.” Garrus mumbled, burying his face in her hair, feigning hurt and playing the pity game. It did help that her hair did smell really nice. At least Cerberus had good taste in shampoos.

“Your turn again, Vakarian, or did I finally beat you in your own game?”

No words immediately followed. Whatever jests and laughter they had kept up this long fell silent, even as the alcohol blurred their minds, and the feel of each other lulled their anxieties. Garrus was quiet, pondering his options, torn between the fun and the honest, continue the game or admit to something he’d kept quiet for so long. He never thought they’d ever come to this point, sharing secrets and sharing a bed in nothing but their undergarments. Rita turned in his arms, brushing her fingers over the angry red scars on his cheek, not unlike her own, as she watched him.

“I… Shepard… _Rita_...”

“Garrus?”

He swallowed hard, just watching her. “I’ve never been happier than I was when I saw you walking that bridge. Seeing you alive… not just hearing the rumors… I-- it hurt when we lost you, but now you’re back...”

“I missed you too, Garrus.” The light in her eyes as she smiled told of her honesty, of the emotions shared between them, as he pulled her in close, letting their legs entangle and his arms envelop her.

His confession still lingered in his mind.

_I love you, Rita._


	4. In the Heat of Battle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst. Delicious, glorious, angst. I've written too much fluff as of late, I needed this. Virmire and early ME2 spoilers for any who have not played. You've been warned.

****_ Don’t worry, we’ll see you on the other side. _

Blood. Smoke. Salt. The ringing of gunfire. The flare of biotics. Blinding light reflecting off salt coated bridges. The deafening thunder of or charges set. Every mission, every life in the galaxy, riding on one bomb, two teams, a three man squad.

Everything had gone so well. Everything according to plan and then some. Comm towers down, recharging stations destroyed, indoctrinated scientists removed. Both teams were well oiled machines. No matter the circumstances, they would push on. They could handle this.

_ Go get them and meet me back here. _

There were hiccups. There are always hiccups. Unforeseen complications, heavy defenses and bad luck. Timing. There would be no man left behind. It was always no man left behind. They were a team, they would always be a team, and they always had each other’s backs. They’d been through worse.

Feros. Noveria. Therum. Eden Prime.

Those three were all worse on their own. Here, they had backup. They had fully prepared squads. The entire Normandy crew was on deck. They had this. Pick up one, go back for the other, and they’d blow the place to hell.

No man left behind. No matter what. 

_ It’s done, Commander. Get the hell out of here. _

Where had it gone wrong…? What did they miss? Why was this happening  _ now _ ? She had to go back. They had to go back. But they’d already gone too far. Ashley and her squad were right there, and they needed help. If she left, she was abandoning her own soldier to death. A death she could prevent. But Kaidan...

_ I understand, Commander. I don’t regret a thing. _

She had to go back.

She had to go back!

Saren was there. It was too late. The crackling of her overloaded shield and the stench of ozone blurred her senses. There was shouting. Gunfire. The smell of blood. Her blood? No, it was Salarian. Sickly, making her stomach turn. Her air choked off by a hand at her throat. Mechanical blue eyes staring her down. Nothing but air below her feet. The haunting echo of an alarm from across the complex.

Kaidan.

Freedom came at the cost of a few broken knuckles. Saren was gone. They still had time. There had to be time. They were a team. They would live or die as a team. No man left behind.

But the sky shone red a the Normandy left the surface. He was alone. The crowning achievement of his career the destruction of an indoctrinated Krogan breeding facility. The blood of too many left behind to suffer. Kaidan’s blood. Lives sacrificed, for what? So the Council could discredit all they’d done? Claim their evidence was a fallacy? Turn a blind eye to the real threat?!

Shepard would continue to fight, with or without the Council. She would fight for those lost. She would fight for him. Until her final breath. Until the blinding hot beam of an unknown vessel destroyed everything she had worked for.

No man left behind.

Too many were dead already. She would not lose anymore. No more would die under her watch. No more friends. No more team members. All that mattered was getting everyone into the escape pods. All that were left.

Liara. Garrus. Wrex. Tali. Ash.

Joker.

The ship was nearly shorn in half. There was nothing left. Nothing to save. Golden light promised death for any that remained. There was no time left. Broken bones be damned. There would be no man left behind.

_ Shepard! _

There was no thought before she slammed her fist into the red release button. Joker was free of the blast zone. She resigned to her fate. No man left behind. She accomplished what was necessary. Her team was safe. Her friends made it away from the destruction.

As her air vented from broken hoses, the gravity of the planet below pulled her closer to the inevitable, and there was nothing left that mattered. She had left one of her own to die, and now she would join him. It was fitting, she supposed. The fight would go on for the others. Her sacrifice would give them a cause.

Shepard could still feel the burning as the atmosphere ate away at her armor. The searing pain of flesh and bone eaten away. The agony of her lungs as what remained of her O2 supply burned out. This was it.

This was how Commander Shepard, the first human Spectre, would die.

* * *

 

When her eyes opened, there were no flames of hell or pearly white gates. There were no loved ones lost waiting for her. It was just the cold metal hull of the Normandy. The Normandy _SR2._ The first had died, and so had she. It’d been a long time since she had that dream…

Right by her side, Garrus slept soundly, snoring like a bird. It wasn’t the loud throaty snore that humans make - it was more of a whistle. Something to do with those subharmonics of his species, she supposed. The side of his face was still raw from the incident on Omega. But he was alive. Shepard had made sure of that. She would never leave anyone behind again.

The headache of a pending hangover throbbed behind her eyes. It was about 4 a.m. by Galactic Standard Time. Only a small number of the crew would be up at this point, and no one would need her for several more hours. Just enough time for a shower to chase the dream from her mind.

The guilt of Kaidan’s death would haunt her until death accepted her final resting place. Such a luxury wasn’t given, even when she tasted her own death the first time around. Maybe it would never come. Who knows what the Lazarus Project had done to her. The scars that laced her body didn’t even make her look human.

When the heat of the water cascaded down over her face, Shepard released the breath she hadn’t even noticed she was holding, letting it wash away every pain and ache in her soul. Too many had died because of her decisions. Her crew on Torfan, Kaidan, Pressly, a vast number of the  _ Normandy SR1  _ crew. Their blood stained her hands, and only her own could wash it away. Cerberus had ensured that.

She would never give up. She would never back down. Nothing would hold her back - not the Council, not the Illusive Man, not the Collector’s, not even the Reapers themselves. The cold tiles against her knuckles as pain shot up through her bones reminded her that she was still alive. She would live until all the Reapers were destroyed.

There would be no man left behind.

Not again.


	5. Fun with Food

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kind of throwing away this prompt. Didn’t really want to write it, but I had to. No skipping days. It’s lackluster, and I don’t care anymore. Most of my writing in this work hasn't been my best. Might fix later.

“Why is the engine so loud? Can’t someone turn it down? Or off?”

“It’s always louder after a night of drunken shenanigans, Commander.” The static of the overhead comms only made Shepard’s headache even worse. That bottle of wine went down too smooth the night before, and now she was paying for it. Even the warm shower in the early hours didn’t seem to do any good.

Shepard rubbed her temples in an attempt to will away the hangover. “Can it, Moreau.”

“Aye, aye. Why don’t you try macaroni and cheese pizza. It always helps my hangovers.”

More than a few people in the mess responded to that with a mixture of disgust and interest. “Macaroni… and cheese… pizza?” Garrus questioned Shepard, quietly nursing his own personal aches and pains.

“Grease and carbs. Typical ‘cure’ for a hangover. Not my cup of tea.”

“Cup of tea…? Oh! I’ve got it!” She didn’t even try to stop him as he ran behind the counter of the mess kitchen. Whatever he was planning, it probably wasn’t good, but she was more inclined to just ignore him and continue rubbing her temples. Why did she have to drink that  _ entire  _ bottle…?

After about five or ten minutes, she wasn’t paying much attention to the time, Garrus came sauntering back with a steaming cup of something. “Here, try this.”

Just one whiff made her gag. “What  _ is _ this?”

“Secret recipe!”

Her lip curled, but it was worth a shot. If anything, it might just make her vomit, and that sometimes worked. It would at least distract from the headache. The first taste alone was almost enough for her to retch on an empty stomach. “ _ God, this is disgusting. _ ”

Somehow, Garrus still seemed pleased with himself. “It is, but it works. But only if you drink the whole thing.”

Scrunching her nose, Shepard pinched her nostrils and threw the whole thing back, one chug at a time. When the last chunky slop slid down her throat she covered her mouth to keep it from coming back up. A forced swallow, a deep breath, and hopefully it would stay down. “If this doesn’t work as well as you say, Vakarian, you’re dead.”

The headache did ease a little, but it might have just been because of the toe curling nausea settling in her stomach. Static preceding the overhead comms didn’t make her ears want to bleed at least. “Entering Horizon’s atmosphere, Commander. Touchdown in 1 hour.”

“You heard the man. Suit up. Vakarian - guess your hangover cure gets a field test.”

If a turian could pale, Garrus certainly did.


	6. Break My Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry about the melodramatic attitude of the last A/N. Yesterday was a bad day, and I wasn’t feeling the writing. Trying again with Day 6. Better mood, better writing. Plus, its angst.

**** No matter the strength of the firepower utilized by the Alliance, as hard as they may hit, it didn’t seem like any damage was being done to the collector ship. The heaviest artillery on any backwater planet, and it was useless. Balls of fire rained down from the exterior, pitting the colony with small craters as the ship prepared to leave, metal rings rotating and shifting. 

“They’re pulling out!”

The engine fired, heat from its exhaust washing over the colony and all that were nearby. Acres of land below the ship burned to ash. Any who would have been in the immediate zone would have been reduced to smoldering piles. All Rita could do was watch. Horizon was lost.

Rita vented her frustration, throwing her spent clip into the dirt. Another failure on her record. The things that would be done to those colonists made her stomach turn. Garrus put a hand on her shoulder, doing what he could, but knowing it wasn’t much. “There’s no reason to stay, Shepard. Most of the colonists are on board. They got what they came for.” 

“No! Don’t let them get away!” The mechanic came sprinting out from behind the crates, chasing after the ship as it left atmosphere. A futile effort.

“Moreau, track that ship’s trajectory, I want to know where it’s going.” It wouldn’t make any difference, she knew that, they all knew that, but it was better than nothing. There was a chance Ashley was on that ship, someone she knew, someone she promised would never meet a fate like so many others. “Believe it or not, I’m just as invested in this colony as you. There was nothing we could do, but we will change that.”

It wasn’t enough of a promise. The anger he expressed towards the collectors turned on her. “Half the colony’s in there! They took Egan, and Sam, and... and Lilith! Do something!”

“We did what we could,” Garrus stepped up, taking some of the heat. “Our fight doesn’t stop here. Right, Shepard?”

The name drop seemed to pull a response from the mechanic. And not a good one. His eyes narrowed and he spat at the ground. The hate he held for the Alliance now extended to her and her team. “Shepard… Wait. I know that name. Sure, I remember you. Some kind of big Alliance hero.”

“Commander Shepard,” a familiar voice came from another part of the courtyard from behind the crates. “Captain of the Normandy. First human Spectre. Savior of the Citadel.” Ash. Rita could barely believe it. It had been so long since they’d seen each other - even longer for Ashley while Shepard had been either dead or in a medically induced coma during the Lazarus project. “You’re in the presence of a God, Delan. Back from the dead.”

“All the good people we lost, and you get left behind. Figures.”

Enough of this. The first time she’s seen Ashley since the SR1 was destroyed, and she was being insulted. “Can it, mechanic,” Rita snapped at him. 

“Screw this, I’m done with you Alliance types.”

She didn’t even bother to watch as he left, but Garrus and Grunt did. Her attention was focused on Ash, a friend lost, now found. But she wasn’t Alliance anymore, not like Ash was, making this reunion sour. Rita extended a hand, relieved when the other shook it civilly.

“I thought you were dead, Commander. We all did.” Her tone hurt. There was a lot yet unsaid. Better to get it out in the open. Hash it out now. Don’t let it fester.

“Something’s wrong.”

“Yeah, something’s wrong. I spent the past two years believing you were dead. I would have followed you anywhere, Commander! I thought you were gone, I…” Ashley’s voice cracked, stepping back as she looked away. Hard as it was to listen to, as much as Rita would have wanted to explain herself, she knew that Ash had to get it all out. They both needed to hear what she had to say. “You were more than our Commander, you were a friend. Why didn’t you try to contact me? Why… didn’t you let me know you were alive?”

“I didn’t have a choice, Ash. I was dead. The last two years I was basically in a coma while I was… rebuilt by Cerberus.”

And then it all fell apart. Ashley’s face hardened. Her form was stiff as she backed away. Suddenly that look she recognized from the first days on the SR1, when Ash looked at the aliens with such disgust and distrust, was now turned on her. A friend. Or rather… someone who used to be. “You’re… with Cerberus now? Garrus too? I can’t believe the reports were right...”

Rita took half a step towards her, meaning to say something, but thought better of it.

“Reports? You mean, you already knew?”

“Alliance intel said that Cerberus could be behind our missing colonies. Got a tip that this one could be the next one to get hit. I went to Anderson, but he wouldn’t talk. But there were rumors that you weren’t dead. Worse… that you were working with the enemy.”

“Listen, Ash…”

The other woman’s hand went to the pistol on her hip. She didn’t draw it against her, but she fingered the release. Rita realized they were standing on opposite sides of the fence now. There was a good chance this could come to blows. Even if it didn’t, things between her and Ashley were different now. She was losing a friend. One of the only friends she thought she had left.

“Ash. I am my own person. You know that. Cerberus is a means to an end. They gave me back the Normandy. I don’t answer to them.”

Disdain colored her features, anger tinted her voice, and she pointed a finger in Rita’s face. “Do you really believe that, or is that what Cerberus wants you to think? I wanted to believe that you were alive, I just… I never expected anything like this. You’ve turned your back on everything we stood for.” Her lips curled in the kind of anger that punched holes through ablative ceramic easier than a Black Widow.

“You know who I am, Ash, please just believe me.” It was a desperate attempt. All Rita wanted right now was to have her old team back together. The people she cared about fighting by her side. There was no one she trusted more than  _ her  _ team; Joker, Garrus, Ashley, Tali, Wrex. Kaidan. She’d already lost one, now she was losing the other. The team she had from the start. The team that started everything. “The Collectors are targeting our colonies. I am trying to  _ stop  _ them. If not for Cerberus, I wouldn’t be here to stop them!”

“I’d like to believe you Shepard, but I don’t trust Cerberus. If you trust them, then I can’t trust you. What did they do to the Commander Shepard I knew? What if they’re behind it? What if they’re working with the Collector’s?”

Garrus stepped in the middle of the two women before Rita snapped, the movement making Ashley draw her gun and point it at them both. People she used to trust. People she used to fight side by side with. Her past distrust of aliens, and her deep seated hatred for Cerberus (not that she could blame her), had pit their once ally against them. Garrus’ hands went up, but he didn’t step away. “Damnit, Williams, you’re so focused on Cerberus that you’re ignoring the real threat.”

“Or  _ maybe  _ you feel like you owe Cerberus because they saved you. Maybe it’s you. I still know where  _ my  _ loyalties lie. I’m an Alliance soldier. It’s in my blood.” Every word wounded Rita. Each syllable laced with hatred tore a little bit more of her away. Without even trying, she had failed Ashley. This was almost worse than seeing her friend die. This was a personal death. This was a choice to leave Shepard, and everything she was trying to do, behind.

Before she could walk away, Rita stepped forward. “Please, Ash. Give it a chance. Give me a chance to show you that I haven’t changed. It will be like old times.”

“No, it won’t. I’m no friend of aliens, but Cerberus has a history of being extremist. I’ll never work for a group like that.” A step backwards punctuated each word. She was walking away from their past, their friendship, the chance to rebuild the team they used to have.

After everything they’d been through, she couldn’t settle with this. Ashley wasn’t listening. She wasn’t believing in her friend. “Damnit, Ash!” Rita snapped, “stop being so goddamn hard headed! Our colonies are being taken by these monsters while you sit here and argue with me over who is right or wrong! The Council isn’t doing anything, so I am! What about you? What about the Alliance? Are you just going to sit on your hands while someone behind a desk decides who to try and save?”

Her words stopped Ash from leaving, but they didn’t have a kind response either. “Look who’s talking! You’re just a puppet for Cerberus. They’ve got their slimy claws in your head, telling you where to go, and you can’t even see it. It’s disappointing, really.”

“Shepard-” Garrus tried to intervene, but she shoved him aside.

“And so you’re going to let the politicians decide what life is worth saving? That is the disappointment here. Where is the Gunnery Chief Williams that said ‘screw it’ to the Alliance when they grounded the Normandy before Ilos, huh?”

“Because Saren was a threat!”

“The Collectors are a threat!”

“Yeah, they are, and so is Cerberus. Don’t you remember the things we stopped them from doing? They lured  _ Alliance _ soldiers into Thresher Maw nests. Repeatedly. They experimented on the colonists of Feros! An experiment you stopped!”

Rita nearly pulled her hair out in frustration. Bringing these old memories back, remembering the good they once did together, only made this situation all the more trying. “I know that, Ash! I remember every single one of those missions. But right now, Cerberus are the only ones willing to tackle the Collectors and the Reapers. They’re the only ones acknowledging what’s going on!”

Ashley shook her head, lip twisted in anger, and her hand still grasping her pistol tightly. Behind Rita, Grunt was tense, ready to charge if the other woman lifted her gun again. All she could o was pray that it wouldn’t come to a head.

“I don’t know who you are, but you’re not the Rita Shepard I knew. She never would have stood by and  _ defended _ Cerberus. I’m reporting back to the Citadel. I’ll let them decide if they believe your story, because I sure as hell don’t.” Ashley spit at the ground as she turned to leave, holstering her pistol with such seething anger that the team could feel it even as she walked away. 

Garrus turned around, looking at Rita with such pain, it almost bordered on pity. They had all been friends once. A long time ago. Not it was all gone, turned to dust, wasted breath and wasted effort. “It’ll be okay, Rita,” he whispered, placing a hand on her shoulder.

It was cold, but she shrugged off his hand, and turned to call the Normandy in. “Moreau, send down a shuttle to pick us up. I’m sick of this planet.”


	7. Alternate Universe/"What If?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Less of an AU, more of a “what if” so that it still fits with the timeline of the other prompts I’ve done so far. Last one for MERweek. It’s been a helluva ride.

**** The hum of the Normandy’s main battery reverberated through the metal hull. Soothing. It stirred familiar emotions and old memories alike. The ship was different now. Everything was different now. The crew had changed, the layout was different, it even smelled different. The more Shepard thought about it, the more she began to realize that nothing was how it used to be. Even the people she once knew were different. There was nothing she could do about that now, but… she couldn’t help but wonder, what if she’d done things differently? Everything that led up to the Normandy SR1 being destroyed by the Collectors, everything that had gone wrong before her death, could she have prevented it?

Just thinking about it left a bad taste in her mouth. Nearly everyone she had ever known was either dead or not speaking to her. Garrus and Joker were two of the only exceptions. Her own best friend now believed her a traitor. Shepard curled up in the corner, letting the vibrations through the floor of the main battery lull her.

_ What if. What if. What if? _

The question burned its way through her thoughts, coloring everything she had ever done, everything she had ever said, in a different light. If she had been nicer to Ash, would she have joined? If she had shunned Cerberus, would she still be alive to ask Ash to join? If she had disobeyed the Council and chased after the Reapers like she wanted to, instead of just hunting geth day in and day out, would the Normandy SR1 have made a difference? Would she have been able to save Pressly and the others? If she had gotten through to Saren on Virmire like she did on the Citadel, would they have been able to save countless lives in that final battle? If she had gone back to save Kaidan... 

Shepard’s mind spiralled down that rabbit hole. If she had saved Kaidan instead of Ashley. Maybe, if she had gone back, they would have had time to get Ashley and Captain Kirrahe. He was the one that armed the bomb. He could have delayed it long enough for them to go pick her up. Even if he couldn’t… Kaidan had been special. Both to her, and to the Alliance. He was a powerful biotic, willing to suffer through the migraines of his L2 implants. Incredibly powerful. The difference he could have made if he’d survived…

Maybe… maybe he could have even made a difference on Horizon. The two of them used to be something. She wasn’t sure what, but… Shepard was sure that she had started to love him before she left him to die. If he’d felt the same, maybe he would have been willing to join her, despite Cerberus. He would have known that she was honest about not trusting Cerberus. He would trust her… right?

But then what if he didn’t. Ashley had been her best friend, and she still turned against Shepard in the face of Cerberus. If Kaidan had lived, if they had become lovers as part of her knew they might have, even he might have turned his back on her. That pain is not something she was sure she could live with. 

_ I thought we had something. Something real. _

She could hear his voice in her ears, words he’d never said, but she knew he would. As if he’d never died in that explosion. Shepard could still feel his fingers against her skin, the memory of times lost, of moments missed. But she could also see that anger, akin to Ashley’s, flare up in his eyes. If he had lived, he would have had to see her die. 

_ Thinking you were dead tore me apart. How could you put me through that? _

The pain was too real. Even two years later, so many battles and missions past, it still hurt her. She had abandoned him to die, a man she loved, and now she had nothing to show for it. Saren had been defeated, but all the headway against the Reapers had been lost. The Council ignored the truth. They had let his death be in vain. If he had lived, if she had only saved him, then even if he hated her it wouldn’t have been an empty sacrifice. 

“Shepard?”

The voice of someone who was alive, who was there with her, who hadn’t turned her back, pulled her from her thoughts. Garrus was there, kneeling in front of her, wiping the tears from her face that she hadn’t noticed were falling. Seeing the way he looked at her only made her heart ache more. Guilty tears fell as a sob wracked her body.

“Rita…” Garrus brushed the tears away from her face and pulled her in close. “I’m not very good at this ‘shoulder to cry on’ stuff, but it’s going to be okay.”

The sweet ignorance was painful. He hadn’t known what was going through her head. How could he? She never told him anything about what she was thinking. Ever. And here, he caught her thinking about Kaidan, a love lost, when here he was, filling that gaping wound that had been left by Virmire. She was pitiful. Despicable. To be thinking of a love long dead when Garrus was here, giving her what she needed, without asking for anything in return.

“I’m sorry, Garrus,” she choked out, clinging to him. He may not ever know the reason for her apology, but she need to say it. To purge her heart of the guilt, the guilt of still loving someone she let die, a love that distracted her from what she had now. She didn’t fight him as he scooped her up off the ground, and settled into the place she had been, holding her against his chest to rest. 

“It’s been a hard day. Just rest.”

He never tried to excuse her actions, or tell her that ‘everything would be alright’. After all this time, he knew she was too cynical for stuff like that. Instead, Garrus always let his companionship be her healing light. It usually worked, and she was thankful for every minute of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's the end for this round of writing for Rita. If you enjoyed it, found it curious, or in general would just like to see more of her, please leave a comment here or send me a message/ask on tumblr. I'm littlewatty over there as well. I've been sitting on this Shepard for a long time, and I don't think I'm done with her yet, but I probably won't write her unless I get prompted. Anyway. Thanks for reading!


	8. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so last one wasn't the end. I blame @mmmerchedesi. She bribed me with art to finish out my Shakarian prompts with something happier. Have it!

art belongs to [@mmmerchedesi](mmmerchedesi.tumblr.com)

This was the worst he had ever seen her. Silent tears falling from raging emotions and words left unsaid. None of the crew should have to see her like this. Shepard was supposed to be their rock, their foundation, the thing that kept them all going. If she couldn’t keep going… what hope was there for the rest of them?

It had been difficult, carrying her from the main battery to the elevator without being seen, but he was well respected (somehow) among the Cerberus crew. When he told them all to clear out and go to their bunks, they all listened. A small victory, at least. Shepard’s meltdown would be just between them for the moment.

The shower they shared did nothing but mask her tears under the cascading water, warming her skin until her scars burned red, his own carapace tough and scarred against her smooth back, but nothing seemed to quiet her anguish. Not the warmth of the water, his kind words, or his embrace. Shepard remained quiet, except for the occasional stuttered inhale between sobs. He washed her, dried her, even helped her dress, all without a word as to what was on her mind.

When he finally settled her down in her own bed, garbed lightly with only her favorite N7 sweatshirt to cover most of her skin, Garrus laid down beside her. They didn’t share any words. Nothing he could say would help her past this. She needed time, and she needed comfort.

Shepard leaned into him, a hand against his chest, and wrapped her legs around his to keep him close. Each new wave of tears was brushed aside by his hands, delicate as they danced around her scars. Scars that might never fade. They were a testament to everything she had lost. A permanent reminder of what she had been through. What they had all been through. She was still beautiful. Her body, her mind, her soul, every part of her. Even the parts that occasionally lashed out in anger against those that hindered her progress. He loved every part. He loved her.

“It’s going to be okay, Shepard,” his voice was quiet as he wiped away the gentle tears on her cheek, letting her face nestle into the palm of his hand. “Kaidan would have understood. Ash will come around too.”

Her tears stopped in the same moment that her breath caught in her throat, eyes wide in fear, the hand pressing on his chest almost pushing her away. The reality of it hadn’t been so surprising when he thought about it. Humans were weird, always playing with their own emotions, hiding things, pretending they don’t exist. She had done the same to him. But after Virmire, he realized that her feelings towards the human biotic had been stronger. She had loved Kaidan, and she left him behind. Seeing Ashley only brought those feelings back.

“I know why you’re upset, and… it’s okay. I understand. Kaidan was special to you in a way that I can’t be.”

“Garrus-”

He shook his head. “It’s alright, really. I’m just the dashing, scarred vigilante. His woman’s heart committed to someone else, but determined to steal it back.”

Almost fighting against the smile that broke through her pain and her tears, Shepard lifted a hand to the scars that patterned his cheek. The blast that almost took him away from her. If she lost him, there would be no recovery. “You are special to me, Garrus. I’m sorry if I made you think otherwise.”

“Really? You trying to make this old Turian into a sappy lovestruck mess?”

“Maybe.”

They both laughed, lightly, finding their bodies closer as they bumped their heads together. Being this close, this in love, with an alien was new to the both of them, but they seemed so willing to try. Regulations be damned. “I love you, Rita. The Alliance can’t change that. Cerberus can’t change that. Even the Reapers can’t change that. Don’t say anything, let me just have this moment. I will fight for you until the day you think of me like you thought of him.”

“You silly turian,” she teased, taking a second to wipe away the last of her own tears. “I already do.” It was his turn to gape, staring dumbstruck at her as his mind ground to a halt, making it easy for her to wind a hand back behind his head and pull him in close enough to kiss. “Stay here with me tonight.”

Shaking his head, and his mind, to wake himself up, Garrus wound his arms around her body. “Is that an order, Shepard?”

“You’re damn right it is.”


End file.
